Should auld acquaintance be forgot
And never brought to mind
- Should auld acquaintance... - We used to have 50 on staff here. Fifty.
I'm the only one left.
All comes down to one schmuck:
Me, the night shift bellhop.
What the hell is that? A bellhop? Huh? What is he?
Y-You know where the name comes from?
Huh? It's so simple, it's stupid.
Some schmuck rings a bell and ya hop.
Ya hop front and center.
Did you ever meet any of the old stars, then?
What, are you kiddin'? I took Rin Tin Tin out for a shit, for Christ's sakes.
Ah, hey, you talk about stars, uh...
Hey, kid,
put this on.
Put it on. Put it on. Go ahead. Come on, come on, come on.
Let me see. Let me see.
You know, and to think that I wore that stupid thing for 50 years.
To think I did that. Ah, shit, yeah.
Yeah, well... Well, kid,
I'm gettin' my ass outta here.
Yep.
Yep, kid,
gotta go.
Listen, kid,
stay clear of...
night clerks, kids, hookers and married arguments.
Come on, stand up. Come on. I wanna say good-bye.
Now, uh...
Let me see. You... You wanna get a tip?
Hold your hand out. That's right. Now, uh, smile.
Give me a smile. Give me a smile. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Now, if the cocksucker doesn't pay ya,
you say to yourself, uh, "Fuck you, Jack."
You know what I mean? You never miss.
Tell you something else:
Keep your cock in your pants.
May I help you?
I have a reservation.
In the honeymoon suite.
- Kiva. - Wait up.
What'd I tell you about smoking?
- You smoke. - That's right, I do, and I'm addicted.
So, welcome to this week's edition of "Who is a Hypocrite?"
- This is my first guest. - That's enough, Kiva.
- You're not my mother. - Yes, I am.
Then why are we sleeping together?
Ahh.
Mmm.
Yes.
Thank you.
Oh, you little stinker
Oh, you sweet little muffin
Yes, Mama loves the baby.
Hello.
I'm lookin' for the room for makin' love.
Oh, right. You must mean the honeymoon suite.
- Well, it's straight that way. Can't miss it. - Uh-huh. I know where it is.
I just wanted you to know that I know where I'm goin', so you needn't bother with me.
- Well, no problem. Where's your luggage?
I travel light.
Tell me, how long have the others been here?
About an hour.
One hour.
You're very late, Eva.
I'm sorry, Athena. I was attending a birth. The placenta was late in coming.
Which birth is more important to you, Eva: That of a mortal,
or that of a goddess?
Will there be anything else, ladies?
Wait. We do need some things.
We need... fresh rosemary from the kitchen.
Mostly what we need is from the kitchen.
Hey. Are you listening?
Rosemary.
We need sea salt, a little bit of sea salt.
Or kosher salt, if you have no sea salt.
A bottle of spring water... French, not that Italian shit.
- Um, yes, and could I have some French fries? - Shut up, Kiva.
Some ginger and some raw meat.
- Liver, if you have it. - I want fries, you stupid jerks with your dumb fucking ritual.
Shut up, you little shit!
Hey.
- Don't talk to her that way. - Uh,
if there's nothing else...
Thank you.
We're communing here on New Year's Eve...
to bring to life the great goddess Diana,
who was turned into stone in this very room...
40 years ago today.
Diana, O Great Beautiful One,
we make these offerings to you...
so that we may undo the wicked spell which deprived you...
of the seed of your lover...
of your virginal blood...
of your very life.
We now form the symbolic rock...
with our bodies.
On this night, in this hour,
we call upon the ancient power.
O Goddess Bride,
we offer thee...
milk from a mother's sweet titty.
To reverse this evil which has been done,
I make this offering...
to the Divine One.
A whore not,
an innocent was,
for whom I seized a virgin's blood.
Goddess of Light, Goddess of Lust,
to undo this awful spell is a real must.
To bring you life and get you high,
I offer the sweat of five men's thighs.
O Diana, O Great One,
we live without sun...
until this wicked curse is undone.
In hope that you appear,
I have collected a year's worth of tears.
Goddess Diana, fail you, I will.
- I was to bring you fresh sperm from my Bill.
I had him erect, and his semen would follow,
but alas, I was hot,
so hot that I swallowed.
You stupid witch!
- You swallowed the sperm? You did? - Why didn't you use your hands?
Well, it just goes to show you what an amazing lack of control you have, Eva.
Didn't your mama teach you not to put them things in your mouth?
- I understand, though. - Eva,
you got one hour to find me some sperm,
- one hour to show me...
What kind of witch you can be.
- You hear me? - Uh-huh.
- Ted, the bellhop.
Mr. Bellboy,
come right in.
Okay, mister.
Here is your $50 tip,
only you have to do one more thing.
You have to make our little Eva smile.
- We'll leave you alone.
Don't use your mouth.
Oh.
Help me out here. I've got to earn this 50 bucks.
Look, they don't care if I smile or not.
They just want...
You wouldn't understand.
Try me.
I've been around a bit, you know.
Well,
the five of us...
Athena, Jezebel, Raven, Elspeth and me... are a coven.
- Like a coven of witches. - Yes.
- Oh. - You see,
for 40 years we've been trying to...
reverse an evil spell that was placed on our goddess Diana.
She was a beautiful virgin,
an entertainer by trade but a great sorceress by design.
It was here in this very room on her wedding night...
that a jealous rival placed this curse on Diana.
Her husband was turned into a pink fish,
while our dear goddess...
a stone in her honeymoon bed.
This was Diana.
- She's the blonde. - Ah. Right.
Hmm.
Well.
Ooh.
Say.
Oh.
Well.
Hate to tell you this, but, uh,
I kinda doubt she was a virgin.
She had lovers, but she saved that for marriage.
If she doesn't get his goop in ten minutes, I'm gonna go in there and get it myself.
That'd be a first for you.
You mean, you were supposed to bring, uh...
And you...
Eewhh.
And now...
you're my last chance.
W-Whoa.
Uh-uh.
No way.
Nope.
Besides,
it's against hotel policy.
I was warned.
"No sex with the clientele."
Oh.
See, what I really wanna do is be a midwife.
I've attended four births already.
I can prevent vaginal tears and everything.
Really? That's good.
Yes. A fella doesn't like too many surprises down there.
I joined the coven to obtain greater understanding of my feminine powers.
Oh, really?
- Seems to be working. - You really think so?
Oh. Yeah.
Oh, God.
Betty's gonna kill me.
Who's Betty?
- The boss. - Oh, good.
Oh, God.
My number in Topanga.
Call me?
Sure, baby. I'll call you.
- What's that used for? - This is, um... It's a birch branch.
It symbolizes eternal life.
- I'm a woman now. - Marvelous.
I use this bark for a tea which assists in astral travel.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I wanna be a witch.
- Great. - Okay. - You are.
We did it right there in the big cauldron.
Great. Great.
Athena.
Goddess Diana, I offer to you...
the jism of the one I wooed for you,
so you may live and know such bliss...
as getting laid by a guy like this.
So mote it be.
Three times three times three.
Ah.
- Just a minute! Yeah!
- Room service. - Wait. W-W-What room is this?
- This is the front desk, sir.
- W-What room we in? - I don't know, man. I just got here.
404. It's room 404, I think.
- Look, I thought we were on the fifth floor. - All right! 409. Yeah.
Hmm, sir?
Hey, is he talkin' to me?
- Look, 404. We're in room 404. - Yeah.
- What do you need, sir? - What do we need? What do we need?
- Ice. Ice. - Ice.
- Ice? - Ice. Yeah, ice!
Right, sir. 404, sir. Ice, sir.
I'll be with you momentarily.
Ooh. Disco.
Hello.
- Anybody there?
What'd you expect, Theodore,
a fuckin' floor show?
- Aah!
Um,
is this room 404?
- Obviously I've come at a very bad time.
Let's not beleaguer the fact that you have no sense of timing.
The fact is, you're here,
and I couldn't think of a better time for you...
to introduce me to your beau than on New Year's Eve.
There's obviously been a big mistake.
My name is Theodore. Yes.
- I'm the bellhop.
Yoo-hoo. Lover boy.
Let's cut to the chase, okay?
Is this about another man or something?
- Let's get our ABC's right here, Theodore.
- Theodore, right?
Ted's better.
Ted. Okay.
Are you saying my wife cheats on me?
Come here.
Theodore.
This is about as intimate a situation as you can get:
You,
me, Angela here.
Pretty cozy, isn't it?
Now,
I demand an apology.
- Oh, shit!
What?
- Mm-mmm. Mm-mmm. - We ain't got no needles here, kid,
just a big fuckin' gun.
- How's that grab ya? - Shh.
- Ciao, bambino.
Now...
where was I?
Ah. Ah, yeah.
I remember.
Now...
this...
Gimme that. Gimme that.
No. Bad idea. Say the following.
Come here. Come here.
"I..."
- "I, - I,
- "Theodore, - Theodore,
- must humbly..." - humbleh...
- Humbly! Humbly! - Humbleh. Humbly.
- "And sincerely... - And sincerely...
- apologize..." - polgize...
- Apologize! - Polgi...
- Apologize. - Apologize. Apologize.
- "For saying... - Saying...
saying that I fucked another man."
- That... - Saying that I fucked another man!
Saying that I fucked another man.
Great.
Satisfied?
Uh, do you accept the fuckin' apology?
Oh.
You always have to have the last word, Angela.
Aw, it's just one way with you.
May I...
Shit, yeah. Come on, come on. Spit it out.
I don't mean to upset you further, sir,
but I do think she was trying to say yes.
Are you... condescending to me, Theodore?
Absolutely not, sir.
Don't you think I noticed there's a gag in the woman's mouth?
- You know why I know that?
- How, sir? - Because I put that gag in her mouth!
Don't move a nose hair.
Whoa!
Don't be a stranger, Teddy! Take off your jacket and relax!
What?
We don't have time to play charades here, you asshole. Untie me.
- Listen! - Jesus, honey!
- I would appreciate it... - Where'd you put the Percodan?
If you would tell that nut case in there...
he's making a big fucking mistake.
Look, whether you like it or not,
you are in the middle of a situation here you cannot just wish your way out of.
But I've never met you people before!
You're complete strangers!
Everybody starts out as strangers. It's where we end up that counts.
- You being a good boy, Theodore? - Quick. He's coming back.
Put the gag back in my mouth. We play this game all the time.
Play by the rules and you won't get hurt. Quick.
Come on, put the gag back in my mouth. Quick! Quick! Quick.
- Remember, don't make him mad. - I hope you're being a good boy, Teddy.
- Oh! Teddy! - Whoops!
Oh!
I was just beginning to think...
I could trust you, Theodore.
Just trying to help her breathe a little.
Well, don't let me stop you, Teddy.
You don't mind my calling you Teddy, do you?
No, it's fine.
You know, once upon a time...
I had a little bunny rabbit.
His name was Teddy. He looked real cute nibblin' on Angela's ear.
But you're no bunny rabbit, and picturing you do it...
really fuckin' razzes me.
But don't let me stop you.
Nibble, Teddy.
If this is some kind of...
weird voodoo thing...
and you want me to have sex with your wife,
there's absolutely no way.
Start nibblin', motherfucker!
- Now! Now!
Oh.
That's it. Hop like a bunny.
Don't be shy.
Good boy.
What's the problem, Sparky?
No whiz left in the cheese?
- Look, I'm not playing this game anymore.
It'll be over soon.
Then you can go home to Mommy,
- Theodore. - Ted!
The name's Ted.
Yes, my mother did me the disservice of naming me Theodore,
and I haven't a clue as to how you know that, because everybody who knows that...
is thousands of fucking miles away.
Have you any idea,
the faintest idea,
what it's like to arrive at school and find yourself surrounded by the maladjusted?
And there you stand.
Little Lord Fauntleroy.
Ever worn a bonnet? Give it a try sometime.
So shoot me now,
because no one is ever...
going to call me... Theodore again,
let alone...
Theo...
the Thumper.
Wow.
Sigfried.
What?
That's my name.
- Sigfried. - Sigfried?
Nice to meet ya.
Very impressive,
Ted.
- Thank you. - It's a deal, kid.
Ted it will be.
Whew.
Hmm?
My heart! Aah!
My... nitro pills in the bathroom! Quick!
Hurry!
Next to the condoms! They may be in my medicine bag!
This is it!
Oh, this is the big one, Angie!
Dear God!
Someone turn on the lights!
- Nitro. Nitro. Nitro. - Oh, baby, I got the chills!
I can't feel my leg! It's fucked up!
Nitro! Where's the fuckin' white lightning?
Can't live without my...
Ooh!
- Help me!
- No time to take a leak! I'm dyin', here! - Help! Help!
Help me!
Good evening.
Ah.
I'm stuck in a situation here...
which I couldn't possibly begin to explain.
What I was wondering: Do you think you could, uh,
call the police, sir?
Are you all right, sir? Sir?
Ice.
Yoo-hoo. Sigfried.
- Oh, my God! Sigfried!
Angela!
Ohh! Ohh!
Where is the fucking nitro?
- Couldn't find it. - What do you mean, you couldn't find it?
Untie me! I'll find it!
It's your fault he's so upset! Now he's dying!
I'll get some help!
Aah!
I tie a pretty good knot, don't I, Ted?
- Sigfried!
Thank God, you're okay!
- You bastard.
Aw, honey.
Don't get mad. It was just a little test, and I'm glad that I did it, because now I know...
you love me forever,
truly...
and deeply.
If the simple fact that I didn't want your bloated, dead body...
lying out on the floor is love, then no wonder we find ourselves as we are at this very moment.
Oh, no. I heard genuine care in your voice. Can't be denied, can it, Ted?
I think you're right,
and if you just keep this kind of open dialogue going,
I think you'll go a long way to resolving this misunderstanding.
You'd be surprised what happens if people just listen...
without succumbing to all that pain and anger.
You heard shit, monkey boy. Easy for you to say after you fuck another man's wife.
- You should at least have the guts to stand behind...
your convictions.
She's lying, Sigfried. I swear to God.
You know, when I think of all the times you were inside me...
promising me a better life, it makes me wanna puke.
Why are you doing this to me?
What have I ever done to you people?
What didn't you do, stick man?
Unfortunately, you don't have the balls to back up the actions of your huge cock.
No, no, no.
- He's got a huge cock?
Oh, no, no, no, no.
- Show it to me. - It's not that big.
Put it this way: God made up for what he did to Gumby with Teddy here.
Show it to me!
- Show him your cock, Theodore.
- Please stop talking about his cock!
Well, it's hard to stop talking about something that's so huge.
I mean, I could go on and on about his cock,
his bone,
- his knob, - Shh.
- His bishop,
wang, thang, rod, hot rod, humpmobile,
Oscar, dong, dagger, banana,
Cucumber, salami,
sausage, kielbasa, schlong,
- dink, tool, Big Ben, Mr. Happy, peter,
Pecker, pee-pee, wee-wee, wiener, pisser, pistol, joint, hose, horn,
middle leg, third leg, meat,
Stick, joystick, dipstick,
- one-eyed wonder, Junior, little head,
Little guy, Rumple Foreskin, Tootsie Roll,
love muscle, skin flute,
- Roto-Rooter, snake...
Please don't go!
- Hammer, rammer, Spammer,
bazooka, rubber, chubby, sticky, stubby.
Hey, do you know where room 404 is, man,
'cause I was up at this party, and...
I have absolutely no idea!
Oh.
Schmeck, schmuck, schvantz, ying-yang, yang...
- Whoa! I'm Theodore. - What?
Well, you're right on time, Theodore.
Let's not beleaguer the fact...
that you have no sense of timing.
The fact is...
You're here.
Front desk.
Bottle of champagne. Fast.
Stand still.
I said stand still. You're gonna ruin your suit.
Come here. Come here.
Gimme that.
Let me see.
There. There, you see? You see?
Huh? You look good with your hair back like this.
Like me. Like me.
Not down and to the side, all stupid...
like your mother likes to comb it.
No. No.
- Like this. - Ow.
Gimme this.
Impossible.
You've got your mother's hair. You can't do anything with it.
There. Go. Go.
How did you get your hair in such a tangled mess, huh?
There. Go. Finished.
Are we gonna have fun tonight?
I didn't think so.
Hey.
What about leaving the kids here?
- Hmm? - Here in the room, all by themselves?
No, with the television.
Hmm?
You wanna have fun tonight, don't you?
Yes.
Give it to me. Give it to me.
Hey.
You kids are gonna stay here watching TV.
I want you to be in bed and asleep before 12:00.
- Twelve. - Your mother and I will be back later on,
maybe.
Don't misbehave.
Why did we have to get all dressed up if we're not going with them?
I don't know.
- What are you doing? - I'm escaping.
It stinks in here anyway.
What did I say?
Behave.
Yes, Papa.
The champagne you ordered, sir.
Too late. Leave it on ice.
But I want some now.
There'll be plenty for you at the party, baby.
You can bomb yourself all you want at the party.
Put it down. Put it down.
All right.
- You want 500 bucks? - Sure.
- How about three? - Three hundred dollars?
- Yeah. - Three's fine.
Good. My children are staying here tonight watching TV.
I want you to check up on them every 30 minutes.
- Check up on them? - Yeah, make sure they're all right.
Make sure they're fed. Make sure they go to bed. You know, these things.
Sir, I can send out for a baby-sitting service.
No. I don't trust baby-sitters.
My children are safer alone...
than with some fucked-up pedophile baby-sitter...
I don't know from the man in the fucking moon.
What about him? What makes you think you can trust him?
Tell me that's not a face you can trust.
I'd love to help you with your problem, sir,
but unfortunately I'm here alone tonight.
Hmm.
One hundred, two hundred, three hundred.
Here you are.
- I thought you said 500. - No, I said 300.
No, sir. I distinctly heard you say 500.
- Are you calling me a liar? - No, sir.
What I'm saying is that you accidentally forgot that the first thing you said...
But what I last said was 300, and what you say last is what counts.
- Well, then, if you say 500 one last time, we have a deal. - You fucking with me, pendejo?
No, sir, but I'm by myself,
and looking after your kids is a pain in the ass I don't need.
Are you calling my kids a pain in the ass?
Why, no, sir, not the kids.
It's the situation that is a pain in the ass.
No, you were right the first time. They're a pain in the ass.
All right. You win, tough guy. Five hundred.
You kids are getting expensive.
What's your name?
Ted.
If you need anything, just dial zero and ask for Ted.
- And make sure they're in bed before midnight. - Before midnight?
Then should I wake them up for the countdown to the New Year?
No.
If something happens to my children...
I wouldn't want to be you.
Don't misbehave.
Let's get out of here.
Okay.
These are the rules.
Don't break the rules and I won't break your necks.
I always wanted to say that.
Someone said that to me when I was a kid.
Only they weren't joking.
The rules are simple:
Don't do anything you wouldn't do if your parents were here.
If there's an emergency, call me on the phone like your dad said. Thank you.
That's not what he said. He said to call you if we need anything.
Well, I have a lot of work to do, and I can't have you calling me...
every time you want a glass of water, so please,
try and limit your calls to emergencies only.
- Thank you. - We paid you $500.
We'll call you if we need anything.
You don't wanna get my dad mad.
Oh. Well, try and call only when necessary.
Watch TV, and if you're good,
I'll bring you up some milk and cookies.
Bye, now.
Your feet stink.
They don't stink.
Check it out! T and A!
Change it. You're not supposed to watch this.
- We're supposed to watch TV. - Not this kind of TV.
Change it.
Leave me alone. Ouch.
Ouch.
Front desk.
- Ted? - What did I tell you?
Don't bother me and you'll get milk and cookies. Now, do you want them or do you not?
I want you to turn off the nudie station in our room.
I cannot turn on an adult station without the express permission of your parents.
No, not turn it on. Turn it off.
- It's already on. - Whoa.
- That's not what the machine tells me.
Well, stop listening to the machine and listen to me.
There's naked ladies dancing on my TV, and I want 'em off.
Like I said, I'll be up later to put you both to sleep.
Bye.
Change the channel now!
Man, you're the one with the stinking feet.